My Dear Friend,
I am so close, I realize that before I was holding on because I thought there was hope... but sometimes hoping for something that hurts you is like a slow form of suicide... killing you piece by piece until finally you're no longer a person. Sometimes, letting go of hope for the right reasons, is the best thing for you because who wants to stay stuck in a constant state of suffering for the rest of their life ay?
Yesterday, I lost something valuable to me...something I've been carrying on my shoulders - literally, everyday for the past four years. I suppose you could say the thing itself was my symbol of hope. A traditional little small nothing of a thing, but it meant everything to me...and I lost it.... on purpose. I wept for it, and what it was attached to and then I laughed at myself, amazed I was even brave enough to pluck up the nerve to be rid of it in the first place...I thought I'd be like Frodo, wanting to lose it, walking through the most trying and brutally torturous times of my life to get to the end, to the purpose only to keep hold of the thing that ruined me... but down it sank into the water along with my love for it and I felt instantly lighter.
Walking back, strangely melancholy but also proud, I wandered into a tattoo parlour. I looked at the man who asked me "What would you like?". And I inked my skin. A bird. A little bird on my right wrist. A new symbol of hope, of freedom, of always moving forward and upward no matter how dark I despair and how melodramatic my life may seem.... it's alright that I feel so much. I've made my peace with who I am now and to me it's alright. For, the things that may annoy or infuriate another, will be the thing the one who really loves me will kiss me for. I know that now. I know I have hope of a different kind. I marked the day because it's important, so important to demand respect for yourself and the life you lead. I may be a great many things, impulsive, reactive, passionate, grandiose, but I am anything but small. If I love big then so be it, and if I hurt big as a result, then so be it... there are always consequences to actions, cause and effect, some sort of karmic golden rule underlying the lives we live.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I've made a big step since I last wrote you. Perhaps because, in writing it down, and thinking it through and life happening as it does causing chain reactions and such.... I unlocked the thing that was blocking me. I doubt I'll be writing you for a while now, I think I'll give myself the time I need to grow through this milestone in my life and build.
Oh, I should tell you. I wrote a song too. The best I've ever written if I may say. It's just me, and a guitar, and some words full of feeling... but it's going to mean something one day...one day it's going to mean everything. I'll play it for you sometime. I miss you.